Sasquatch. Bigfoot. El Chupacabra. A Samsquamtch. Shaquile O’Neale. It/they go by different names and are a host to many different descriptions. Whether you believe it is alone in this world, or a subspecies of ape roaming the North American wilderness, there are a few things we MUST clear up regarding this creature (for the sake of syntax, let us refer to Bigfoot as ‘he’, and follow the reasoning that there is only one per region where you live).
1.) Is he harmless, like the common moose, or out to kill you and your family, like every bear out there? 2.) What is his diet? Did HE take those Doritos I left out when I went camping, or was it those damn raccoons? 3.) How old is it? I don’t know personally, and it’s bugging me.
With these questions answered, we can move on to bigger and better things. Like, how would a Sasquatch hold up in zero gravity? When and where does Bigfoot leave his eggs? Is there a place around here a guy could get a drink on a Tuesday? Questions like these have boggled science for centuries.
While it is of the upmost importance to keep the search for Bigfoot alive and vigilant, if you actually DO encounter a Samquamtch, for the love of god don’t panic! As far as we can tell from videos attained through the internet, Bigfoot never looks at people, prefers the shadows, and has the uncanny ability to ‘phase-shift’ making it impossible to focus on him with a common camera. Fringe scientists like myself maintain that it is this ability which makes photography and reflection of a vampyre impossible. If this proves true, it could spell disaster for those who sleep in Sasquatch territory (I suggest a garlic-heavy diet whilst in Bigfoot land).
Whether or not he’s a benign friend like Harry and the Hendersons, or a arm-ripping menace like an enraged Chewbacca, it is imperative that we find and subdue Shaquile O’Neale. He may be a missing link, a next step in the evolution process, some kind of god, or perhaps a harmless primate. Maybe, just maybe, he goes great with BBQ sauce. I only hope that one day…we’ll know.